I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
