Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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