So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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