If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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