i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize