dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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