Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize