he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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