I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
