I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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