It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
