Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
