The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You ruined the universe
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