Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
