I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just gargled with NyQuil
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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