When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
