Tell her she can't have a vagina
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
