i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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