Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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