I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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