I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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