If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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