theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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