sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
