If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
