Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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