ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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