see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize