I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
