she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sorry about my life...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
