You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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