well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
