Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
