my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
