I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
