if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If that was your dad, he is hot
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
