I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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