"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize