He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
