I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
