I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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