i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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