when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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