Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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