I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
