My Higher Power is John Stamos
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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