I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
