Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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