I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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