After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
