she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
