My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
