So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
