Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
