guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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