Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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