His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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